Parents who are driven crazy by three children under six, four, seven, or whatever the particular household’s formula for chaos is, content themselves that once the kids are all of school age and ‘beginning to grow up’, then all will be well. It won’t. Parents invariably worry about their children, and they invariably worry about whether they have done or are doing the best by them, no matter what age the children are.
As all children are different, there is no foolproof recipe for ensuring a smooth relationship. For a variety of reasons, I found myself running a drugs clinic for three or four years in the late 1960s, before drug abuse was put under the control of the psychiatric services. I was struck by the relationship between drug abuse in adolescents and the amount K time their parents, in particular their fathers, could devote to them. I soon realized that it wasn’t so much the actual prime time that any particular parent didn’t have available for sharing activities at home, but the assumption by the children that the father, or less often the mother, didn’t really want to be with them, preferring instead his or her life in the office, overseas business weekends or city council meetings mid-week.
Stress of Parenting an Older Children – The Importance of Communication
It is necessary for a parent prevented by work from being an attendant father or mother to say to the children, ‘You know that I would far rather be with you than at the meeting, office or whatever, but I have to earn a living.’ This helps to keep the family together, and statements of this sort cannot be made too often. Children are insecure, and so just as a woman need to be told that she is loved so do children – even if they find it embarrassing, even the actual ‘L’ word is not used. Children will only grow up happy and secure in their own future relationships if they understand that they are loved.
Furthermore, this love must never be thought to be dependent either on good behavior, good looks, a first-class brain or athletic ability. It has to be unconditional. As children grow older, their worries will increase as they realize that the world is a progressively more competitive place, and that many who want to excel can be ruthless about how they go about it.
Stress of Parenting – Small children
The under fives have many of the main characteristics which in later life would be associated with psychopathy; they can be little terrors to each other even though within a few years they will be quiet, decent citizens. Likewise in adolescence, when the hormones start to burgeon, teenagers can be mentally brutal to each other.
Sometimes this is associated with jealousy, but at other times it is because they reject and are cruel to those who are weak or different. Whatever the reasons for this difficult behavior, if children know that they are loved at home, that knowledge will help them to withstand whatever their peer group rows at them.
There are basic rules to bringing up children, but as with all rules, they can often be disobeyed without problems. After all, every family is different, and there are no perfect parents. The main thing to remember is to keep stress – of whatever sort – in check for all concerned.
