According to a 2012 estimate by PolitiFact.com, the lifelong probability of a marriage ending up in divorce is 40% – 50%. This means as many as half of marriages have a chance of ending unhappily within the first 10 years. Well, these statistics are indeed negative and depressing to come across. But if they reflect our society, then isn’t it on us to set things right? Why is the union of two people for a lifetime is becoming a challenging concept to grasp for the men and women of our times?
How to Make Your Marriage Happy?
Firstly, even before getting married, we should protect our minds from all the negative vibes surrounding this institution in recent times. We might be inspired by couples who have lived together successfully for 50-60 years. But we must remember that marriage is an individual experience. We cannot form an opinion about this major event in our life based on others’ experiences.
Secondly, we can pay attention to the inner voice within us, which provides ample signals to settle down with a partner of our choice when the time is right. Many people ignore such inner voices and end up clueless about marriage later. Such an indication is bound to emerge within ourselves as a time-ordained process of nature. A decision about a particular aspect of our life, taken at the right juncture, is bound to succeed. Marriage is no exception.
Thirdly, people who are open to learning, positive and constructive in nature can make their union with a partner successful. While we spend the life before marriage as a single entity, it is indeed an experience of a lifetime to see how we fare in the company of a partner. This calls for adjustment and stepping out of our comfort zones in several areas of life. Those who do so lay a strong foundation for a long-lasting relationship. Initially, keep expectations low.
Events that happen in a couple’s lives after they get used to each other are unique and unpredictable. But some traits are found in couples who happily stay together. These traits include selflessly taking on family responsibilities, leading by example in correcting vices that are unbearable to their partner, and honesty. Though attraction brings two people closer together, personal commitment to the institution, respect for the partner, and acceptance keep the bond strong for years. The secret to a successful marriage is to show courage and give to your partner first, without expecting much in return.
In short, making a voluntary effort to work towards the marriage from one partner definitely impresses and encourages the other partner to join in the act. What follows is a never-ending series of healthy displays of mutual effort toward the partner and the institution in general. The respect earned from a partner by proving one’s commitment in the union becomes a long-lasting, true love. This, in turn, restores unshakable faith and a deep sense of interdependence between the partners,rtners leading to a successful marriage.
Now let’s have a look at some of the important steps you might want to take to make your marriage happy –
- Communicate: Honestly talk about your feelings with each other. If something is bothering you, be vocal about it with your partner and find a solution for it
- Maintain your individuality: Most of us try to be what our spouse wants us to be. In the long run, we are left frustrated. Love and be yourself. Likewise, respect your partner’s opinions, feelings and individuality, even if they don’t match yours
- The “our” time: Make some time for just the two of you every day. No kids, work, or television allowed
- The getaway: Plan out a short weekend outing for you and your spouse once a month. It might not be necessarily exotic but definitely special
- Be passionate: Never lose your passion for life and love, whether you’re 18 or 80
- Be happy: Happy people make happy marriages. Do what makes both of you happy
- Small gestures: Small gestures like holding hands, smiling, and singing out together will take your marriage a long way
- Appreciate: Stop taking your spouse’s efforts for granted. Instead, appreciate all the gestures and steps the other takes to make you happy and comfortable
- Compliment: Be generous with your compliments and stingy with your criticism of your partner
- Enter into a partnership: Fairly and squarely divide the household chores. A perfect partnership is possible only through mutual understanding and cooperation
What Research Says About Happy Marriages
The advice above matches what relationship science has found. Decades of study by Dr. John Gottman point to a few clear habits in couples who stay happy.
- Happy couples keep about five positive moments for every one negative moment. This is known as the 5:1 ratio. (The Gottman Institute)
- They notice and respond to small bids for attention. In stable marriages, partners turn toward these bids about 86% of the time. In marriages that ended, it dropped to about 33%. (Gottman research)
- Commitment, not just love, is one of the strongest signs a relationship will last. (Simply Psychology)
The takeaway is simple. Small, steady acts of warmth matter more than rare grand gestures.
Habits of Happy Couples vs Struggling Couples
The difference often shows up in daily behavior, not big events.
| Happy Couples | Struggling Couples |
|---|---|
| Respond to small bids for attention | Ignore or brush off those moments |
| Keep many more positive moments than negative | Slip toward criticism and cold silence |
| Say thank you and give compliments | Take each other for granted |
| Repair quickly after a fight | Let resentment build up |
| Share chores and decisions | Keep score of who did what |
Four Habits That Harm a Marriage
Gottman calls these the Four Horsemen. They are patterns that predict trouble if they become the norm. The good news is each one has a fix.
| Pattern | What It Looks Like | What to Do Instead |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | Attacking your partner’s character, not the issue | Speak about how you feel and what you need |
| Contempt | Mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling | Build a daily habit of respect and thanks |
| Defensiveness | Making excuses or blaming back | Own your part, even a small part |
| Stonewalling | Shutting down and going silent | Take a short break, then come back calm |
Of these, contempt is the strongest warning sign in Gottman’s research. (The Gottman Institute)
When to Consider Couples Counseling
Asking for help shows care, not failure. A trained counselor can help you break stuck patterns.
Think about it if you notice:
- The same fights repeat with no real fix
- Respect or warmth is fading
- You feel more like roommates than partners
- One or both of you have started to shut down
Reaching out early often works better than waiting for a crisis.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the real secret to a happy marriage?
There is no single secret. Research points to steady positive moments, honest communication, appreciation and commitment from both partners.
How much time should couples spend together?
At times, small daily connection matters more than rare big trips. A short check-ins and shared moments keep the bond strong.
What is the 5:1 ratio in marriage?
It is a Gottman finding. Happy couples share about five positive moments for every negative one.
What damages a marriage the most?
Contempt, such as mockery and sarcasm, is the strongest warning sign in the research. Building respect is the fix.
Can an unhappy marriage become happy again?
Often yes. With effort from both partners, and sometimes counseling, many couples rebuild a warm and stable bond.
When should we see a couples counsellor?
If the same problems keep returning, or you feel distant, it helps to talk to a counsellor sooner rather than later.
2 Comments
At times when we did follow the right ways and it still falls apart, we are wondering what is more we can do?
I think communication is more important. Watch the words you use with your partner. Sometimes bad words hurt more than anything.